"He fulfills the desire of those who fear him; he also hears their cry and saves them." Psalm 145:19
"Do not conform to the patterns of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will." Romans 12:2
Recently, the relationship between me and my best friend of 5 years ended. Leading up to the breakup was a season of hardship, stress, and uncertainty. During this season, my constant prayer was asking the Lord to reveal to me his Will for my life and for the relationship. Multiple times I was on my knees, crying, asking God if this complicated, laborious season was something that would make the relationship more valuable in the end or if it was too difficult to work out. I wanted God to make it easy for me-- show me what path to take, to open doors, to close doors, to perform miracles. To demonstrate my feeling of uncertainty and lack of peace, the prayer I wrote at that time is below:
Dear Lord, I want to apologize if I’m being too proud, and if I’m expecting too much from a man who I know is willing to give it all to me. I never want to take advantage of something and someone so precious, and I hope that if I am, you would reveal it to me. But if in the chance I am not [in other words, it's not my pride and stubbornness that's the problem but the fact we are simply incompatible], I pray that you would give me guidance on how to resolve this conflict. I have a hard time believing that the the recent events that occurred would become something so big that it would cause an end to the relationship, simply because there are so many other positive aspects about the relationship that I know are rare, valuable, and Godly. But I feel as though the relationship is so complicated that I wonder if it's what you would want for both him and me. Give me the right mindset. Give me a mindset you would have for a couple who stays steadfast in you, and reflects your values. Give me the tools I need to make decisions and problem solve, whether it be people, books, verses, etc. And of course, please give him the same insight too. I ask that you would guide him and me so that our relationship flourishes. Keep our heads clear, and our hearts strong. Do not let us compromise our own goals, but let us work as a team. Equally important, allow us to see each other sides, see how we each view the situation so that there would be a sense of empathy and understanding.
Toward the end of the relationship, I knew that God was telling me that He desired better for me. And not necessarily a better person, but a better relationship situation at a better time. It was clear as day, and it was up to me to accept God's final word I had been so eagerly longing for, or ignore it. And after reading the prayer, you may be surprised (or not) to hear that I ignored it. Although God had given me all the cues, signs, and Words I had asked for, I still chose to do what I personally wanted. The bottom line is-- even if God shows you his Will and gives you all the signs and resources to get you there, if you don't share God's desire for your life, you will never choose his Will. All of the people closest to me said that the relationship wasn't fruitful, but I chose not to listen, because I hadn't yet had a change of heart. I shouldn't have been praying for guidance, I should have been praying for "a renewing of my mind" like it says in Romans 12:2. Only then will I want and be willing to choose the Will of God.
So if you're staying in a relationship you know you shouldn't (I've experienced it-- if you know, you know), then ask yourself why you want to stay in that relationship. Is it insecurity? Is it fear of starting over? Is it fear of losing? I then ask you to consider what the future AKA God's plan could hold: what you have now PLUS a sense of fulfillment, prosperity, joy, and peace. Ask God to help you view the situation not as something you'll be losing, but what you'll be gaining by making the hard decision. Like I said, this is nothing against the man I was with, but it's something I learned about myself and how my decision making will be determined not when God gives me evidence, but when my desires are aligned with His. And this applies to career, family, academics, and faith too. When it comes to following Christ, if your motivations are anything other than your own personal desire to seek him (pressure, obligation, childhood, good works, reputation, etc.), than your efforts will either fail or never come to pass. Even when I'm feeling discouraged in my faith and don't want to read the pray, worship, or read the Word, I never want my solution to be obligation. Instead, I step back and ask, "Lord, why don't I have the motivation to read your Word today? Where is my heart right now?" And then I open up to Psalm where David writes about all the beautiful, amazing, selfless things God has done. Only then do I come back to a place of awe and thanksgiving, and nine times out of ten I regain inspiration to chase after the Lord.
